Hi there! Christmas break is almost upon me! I’ve got a little spare time, so while I’m at it, I’ll do one of my most anticipated rants of all time.

I’m going to rant about River Song, one of my least favorite characters from Doctor Who.

Oh dear, where to begin?

Let’s just start off with this.
River Song is a Mary Sue character through and through. She can take care of herself, fly the TARDIS, sass anyone, and fight like a boss. What can’t this woman do? (Love the Doctor, but that’s for later) And characters like that are, to be quite honest, boring. They’ll always get what they want, they’ll pull through in the end, etc. because they’re just all that and a bag of chips. And that’s not good enough.
Even when River’s struggling with something, you know how it’ll be in the end. She’ll succeed. She’ll live. Just wait for the next episode or scene, and then everything’s A-OK with her.

But the biggest thing that irritates me about her the most is this: she is the Doctor’s wife. She is his freakin’ wife!

Now I don’t know about anyone else in this fandom, but I think River does not deserve to be the Doctor’s wife. Here are my reasons why.

1. Their personalities do not go well together
I know, I know, sometimes opposite personalities go well together. And I’ve seen cases in which it’s worked in all kinds of books, movies, and TV shows. But I’m here to say that in this show, it does not work at all.
Think of it this way. We have the Doctor, a happy, bouncing puppy who loves everyone. Then we have River Song, a selfish komodo dragon who is not only cold-blooded but also cold-hearted.
What do you get when you pair up a puppy and a komodo dragon?
Nothing pleasant, I can assure you.
You just don’t put a puppy and a komodo dragon together, period.

2.River feels a false sense of entitlement to the Doctor
So River Song and a Dalek walk into a bar. The Dalek says, “Surrender or you will be exterminated!”
And River says, “Just wait ’til my husband comes.”
My husband.
Ugh, I cringe every time she says something like that (along with her famous line “Hello, sweetie”).
River thinks the Doctor belongs to her. That’s why she got so upset when the 10th Doctor didn’t recognize her at all. And then she was a moping mess talking about “her” Doctor afterwards. Would you care to enlighten the Doctor on your future history with him, River? You know, to make the situation less awkward for him? No? Geez Louise…
Another similar situation that made me extra mad was when she and the Ponds met the younger version of the 11th Doctor in S6. At the end of “Day of the Moon”, S6E2, the Doctor is saying goodbye to River outside her cell. She knows that he’s the younger version, so some of their memories together don’t exist. She knows this! And what does she do?
She acts like everything’s the same and she kisses the Doctor!
And then when he acts like they haven’t done that before (which, in this complicated case, they truly haven’t), she gets upset.
Come on, lady! You knew that was going to happen! Don’t get so crushed about it.

Does that sound heartless of me to say?
Maybe. But maybe it doesn’t, especially when I bring up this final point…

3.River doesn’t actually love the Doctor
I believe with all my heart that River doesn’t love the Doctor. I mean, really love the Doctor like she claims to.
At the end of “The Angels Take Manhattan”, River told the Doctor not to travel alone. And guess what happened?
He traveled alone until he bumped into Clara Oswald, the Impossible Girl.
Where the heck was River that whole time?!
If she really loved the Doctor, she would’ve stayed with him all throughout that time of grieving and lonely wandering. She would’ve stayed with him! But she didn’t. Obviously, she must not love him or care that much about him to stay by his side.
She is just a selfish woman who sees the Doctor only as a tool for her plans. And for the supposed tender moments, she knows he will give help and love to those who seek it, so she takes advantage of this without giving anything in return. She has never helped the Doctor in the way that he has helped her. Sure, she shot some bad guys for him and gave her assistance in some of his missions, but that’s not quite the same.
Even when such moments “look” tender, they just aren’t, because it’s not real love. I don’t care what it is, it’s just not real love.
So when she goes all “I absolutely trust him” about the Doctor and whatnot, I don’t buy that BS. Not one bit!

But what do you think? Do you like River Song? Do you think she really loves the Doctor? Do you think she deserves to be the Doctor’s wife? Let me know in the comments! I will not bite your heads off, I promise.

When Christmas break comes, there will be, as promised, the reviews for “The Crimson Horror” and (ugh!) Divergent, the book. Also, there is the possibility of reviews for Supernatural and the first few chapters of the hit manga series Black Butler, which I’ve started getting into.

‘Til next time, laters!